Wow.... so I found this in the back corner of my document and have decided -in a bold movement- to post this rambling bit publically. Why? well... it addresses my feelings at a time when I was about to take steps into the abyss of the culturally shocked and unknown... it also shows me how full of love and life I must of been....
Why I Participate in love....
Dear Mister Vagabond,
So by now you may realize that I am not one for small talk… I am one for deep things, since deep things don’t scare me. If you choose to read on, be prepared! hehe
You have allowed me to learn another important lesson. You have made me admit to myself the selfish dream that I have. “I want to find the anchor to the Balloon.”
I want to love and I want to be loved.
(–the second lesson is that this is a flawed idea.)
I am not looking for a place to call home I am looking for someone to call home. Don’t freak out-I am not saying you are that someone, but when we meet someone in life that seems… the mirror image of many facets of us it is hard not to realize that there is actually a possibility out there of someone who could actually be a part of us… not because we want to necessarily “be” with them, but moreso that “they are” already…. Us! This is a very exciting epiphany to have, (and goes way beyond the excitement that playa sex or that international booty calls may bring.)
There is no “I” want to be with this person because they are A B and C, and I don’t like E D and F about them… it is more of a conversation about:
You cannot hope to find someone to bring something to your life that you cannot already bring yourself, and if real love isn’t co-dependency or being with someone… then is love finding wholeness in yourself, remaining conscious in your quest for wholeness, and sharing the evolution of each other together? That must be it.
To lead life as self-growth, but to experience it with someone for the sake of sharing lessons? Is that what love really should be? Is that how love can be selfless…and unending?
My problem isn’t: I shouldn’t love since loving people only leads to pain, hurt and loss… (which is very true in and of itself, which seems cowardice in and selfish.) The problem that lies within me IS loving too much, to hard… what I’d like to call the next step in loving- first facing the ideas that YOU will be hurt… and there will be loss. –if the only constant is change, then how can their ever be anything else? Right? - but that hurt and loss comes with the perspective of ownership, and the possession of love.
When we try and possess love it doesn’t work. When we show love in a selfless, and honoring manner and treat it as it’s own living entity, independent of what, where or when it may occur, and when it will leave, then this step is to a love that cannot hurt you…I am working on it, but it is very hard to master since it goes against everything we are taught, in media, in the home, in Western history of what love is.
A part of me loves you selfishly, but know that ALL of me loves you as selflessly as I can, and respects you to know how I feel about you, and to also know that there is nothing in my emotions that I can keep from you, and that you will always have someone to say anything to anywhere, at anytime. My loyalties to my love in friendships run deeper than most anything. When you have me, (unless you do me a great wrong,) you have a friend for life.
If, in fact my capability of expressing emotion and showing love is one of my strengths, I feel that it could possibly be my greatest strength of all… and possibly the key to happiness.
So I love you, and, yes, part of me is in love with you as well. My attraction to you I think lies deeper than anything as superficial as sex however. It appears to lie inside your spirit somewhere since-you seem to feel it as well as I do- we seem to be cut from a similar cloth.- My attraction to you lies in the fact that we seem to share the same small bits of soul, and the same passions and fervor for life. This does not mean I think you are my one-and-only soulmate (because that would be silly)… but that you are, hopefully, one of many that I may meet that share that same piece of cloth we are cut from, and that hopefully one of those pieces of cloth will want to hang on a line together, live life passionately, and see a future in being two rather than one. I feel that this small hope is a weakness… a flaw in the idea of wanting to be loved.
Now I could be all like the other girls (who I probably share similar emotions toward you with), Confess my love to you, which I have, and demand that you reciprocate or die at the hand of my insults. This I have done many times before, yes! (Ofcourse! What female hasn’t?!) But I have realized since then that this is only a way to suffering. Anything that I may feel, be it jealousy, envy, sadness I cannot be with you (which are all there in a subtle way since I am human and female) I feel is my own. Nothing I feel I can ever blame you or anyone for since they are my own and I have to own them. I believe that only when you conquer your own self-pity, your own sadness, your own want of possession, only then can you love with respect and truth. I dream of it but I cannot ever expect anyone to be honest and truthful to me in their love, nor can I ever expect anyone to love me, just as I cannot expect anyone to make me more whole of a person. However, I can become whole and I can truly love if I try my hardest not to have expectations and love without the hope of reciprocal love and/or emotional gain…even at the price of death or departure, this is the way I can make love stay.
Maybe this is why I choose and try to love with as much energy as I can muster. I get hurt all the time, but I keep doing it again and again….why? I think in the end I feel that I have not given up in humanity perhaps… or that I feel that the people I am drawn to love really need a type of caring that I hope to give. (note: I try and not make everyone my best friend) I know that my duty as a loyal friend becomes apparent when signs appear, and feelings that draw me to people happen. I’m not talking myself up as some psychic or guru, but I feel things, follow my heart and see where it leads me… and it’s usually to that. And that those people that I hold dear have some great truth to teach me as well…
…and now you may wonder what great truth have you taught me? Well… all of this. Your lessons have contributed to a continual evolution in a series of perceptions on love, and loving. I think apart from trying to look for an anchor to the balloon of my soul, I am looking for a way to love where love will not end in disappointment. It is a long, hard road full of concepts that lead in no self-gain, no progression to companionship… thus no future…and that is the scariest of all.
Love without a future seems trivial, and of no interest to people because the common idea of love is to find happiness with someone until death do you part, right? So of course why would anyone try to be capable of loving without any hope of a future with that person?
Sadly, the flaw in love with great expectations is that we will always end in hurt. Hurt that we project onto others, and hurt we cause ourselves:
There is a difference in hurting someone and hurting yourself that people can’t seem to get right. When you feel jealous or envy whether or not rightfully so you are choosing to hurt yourself. Ofcourse it is hard to let go, not hold grudges, forget the past since we have only the present...yada yada…but a step in the direction of understanding hurt is to own the hurt you create for yourself and to differentiate it from scapegoating that someone is hurting you.
I am sharing this not so you may know that I “like you”-yes that is a factor- but rather that you have allowed me to articulate a great truth along my path.
I hope to show every person I meet an open-mind and loving kindness regardless of who they are or where they come from or what they do. This is why I participate...in ....life.
-Mellington Cartwright III
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